March 8, 2011 – Song 124

Last night at 3am, while I was trying to fall asleep like a responsible adult, my party animal Mom decided to go out on the town instead. Song 124.

Seriously. You try to raise them right but at some point you just have to let them live their own life. You know?

Wanna know how they get your Gall Bladder out these days? It might make you pass out.

Through your fucking belly button.

Which, like some disgusting magic trick is how they also removed two stones bigger than a nickel but “Just shy of a 25 cent piece.” Who says that instead of “a quarter”? Here’s a hint. Not me. I guess it is pretty amazing though. And a real relief since bikini season IS just around the corner.

My Mom is extremely proud of the fact that she doesn’t throw up. It’s her thing. She hasn’t throw up since before she got married. By rough estimation, she hasn’t puked in more than 40 years. That’s got to be some kind of record right?

Many, many years ago my brother got a projection TV. On the Ebay. And he had it hooked up in my parent’s basement. I was home for some holiday or another and he asked me if I wanted to watch a movie on it that had just come out on DVD. One I had heard of but didn’t really know much about. My Mom decided to watch it with us.

That movie was Requiem for a Dream.

(Insert super awkward moment with your family here)

My brother had already seen it, so as the movie went on the reason he kept asking my Mom if she was sure she wanted to watch it became pretty obvious. There is just about everything in that movie that you don’t want to see pretty much ever. Especially while next to your Mom, and for that matter your brother. I was dying the whole time.

When it was over, I, for one, had no intention of ever talking about it ever again. Especially with those two. What did my Mom have to say? Only one thing.

“You should have warned me that people were gonna throw up.”

WHAT.

This same woman, tonight, while lying in a hospital bed after having surgery, deeply considered not taking any painkillers because, “It might make me nauseous.”

Sweet Jesus. Anyway, she is just fine.

And her record remains unvarnished if you catch my drift.

This one’s for you Kapok. I have never personally owned a copy of Graceland but I know every. single. word.

I believe that phenomenon is called Momosis.

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