My friend Claire and I are polar opposites. Therefore, sometimes we get in fights. But we always make up. The other day was one of those days. I was being a grumpy pain in the ass and since Claire spent last night at a funeral I thought I owed her a funny story. One where she looks cool and I touch gross stuff. Twice.
Hobo Rag and the Mudpuddle Plastic. Song 103.
After getting in a dumb argument with Claire about something that is so insane I am not even gonna tell you what it is I got text from her that said:
“You stole my lighter.”
So by way of apology I decided to stop by. So I texted her:
“Can I bring over your lighter?”
And so I did. And we of course made up. And then we went out for tacos. On the way to the car I noticed Claire struggling to pick up something I assumed that she had dropped. I thought it was her lighter in fact. So I reach down and grab what turned out to be a hunk of plastic from a dirty slush puddle. And she busts out laughing. So there I am all confused holding this gross dripping thing like “Is this what you dropped?” And she says “No. I didn’t drop anything. I just thought it was a lighter.” Not her lighter mind you, another one.
Of course Claire thinks this is just about the funniest thing that has ever happened.
So then, ten minutes later, we pull up outside the taco joint and I go to feed the meter. Claire crosses the street and I finish and go to join her. And there on the ground is what I assume to be Claire’s scarf. So I yell “Hey dude. Your scarf!” and pick it up. Surprise. It’s just a foul ass dirty wet rag. So there I am across the street from Claire, who is now in hysterics, holding a muddy torn up sweatshirt like a moron. I of course yell “Goddamnit!” and drop the second disgusting thing I have now touched in less than half an hour just in time to practically bump into two dudes who are also laughing because they just saw the whole thing go down.
Good ol’fashioned goodtimes people.
And so, the moral of the story is, it is very hard to stay mad at me for long. So don’t bother.