Man. Yesterday, as one friend put it, “Was just one of those days.”
Couldn’t raise that river no matter how hard I tried.
Song ’78. Born in the Year of the Horse, of course.
Queen of Cryptic Facebook Posts Since 2010™
A while ago my friend Mary told me I was the queen of cryptic Facebook updates. I laughed when she said it, but when I got home I had to look up the word cryptic. I was pleasantly surprised. At first I thought she meant depressing. Like tales from the cryptic or something.
But it just means mysterious or obscure. Or both. Six and one half dozen or the other as they say.
Anyway, yesterday just had this vibe to it. And I couldn’t shake it. No matter how hard I tried or how many Girl Scout cookies I helped to sell. And I didn’t seem alone to be alone in that feeling. I ran into a lot of people yesterday who were just like “Meh.” Well they said other words but that is a fine enough translation. I was at work and I pulled a move I have never once pulled before. I put this New Order record on and after this song finished I went over to the record player and pretended to sneeze really loudly and started it again. The crazy guy waiting at the counter said “GOD BLESS YOU WOMAN!” and I said “YOU’RE WELCOME!” and no one else in the store batted an eyelash. Although I’m sure today some jerko will probably write on our Yelp review that it’s as if the employees are trying to be annoying. Like that’s so Uber Meta or something. How about this one butt munch, some of us just like Beyonce. And CCR. And En Vogue. And Steely Dan. And you might not have heard the new Band of Hercules and Vampires one thousand times already but we have. So cool your jets. You’re buying it anyway. Go home and listen to it. Sweet Jesus.
So, like I said it was in the air. And all day I knew I wanted to play this song but all I could think to say about it was “You gotta raise that river.” Which means nothing to anyone but me. So I am gonna try to explain it so that when I say it around you now you can just nod and find me adorably offbeat instead of just creepy. Although you will probably still think I’m a complete nerd. Six and one half.
There is this scene from Lord of the Rings where Arwen is riding a dying Frodo away from the Ringwraiths. Am I super into LOTR? Not really. But I have never been able to shake this scene. The Ringwraiths are like hooded doom on your heels and here is this lady trying so valiantly to save something so fragile. She finally gets to this river which I believe is like the Mason Dixon of the Elves and turns around and raises her sword. The Wraiths say “Give up the Halfling She Elf!” and Arwen is all “If you want him come and claim him.” So badass right?
So the Wraiths try to cross the river but old Arwen starts casting a spell of whatnot in Elfish and the river raises and turns into white capped horses which crush them. It’s like the cure for depression or something. With your mind you gotta raise your river and wash away the dark riders even if you are just one lady. You’ve got some fragile cargo here people. That hobbit is your spirit.*
So anyway, back at the old record store, way after my turn had passed a woman came to the counter because she had seen a copy of this record listed online but couldn’t find it on the floor. That’s because I had it. I brought it over to her and I she looked SO relived. She said thanks and I said “No worries. I know what it’s like when you just gotta hear Age of Consent like one thousand times.”
She looked me right in the eye like I was a gypsy who stole her thoughts.
I’m starting to think it might be worth being misunderstood a lot if I get to blow someone’s whole mindhole here and there.
*I showed this clip to some friends recently and at the very end after Arwen has just been so brave and so tough, she puts down her sword and lays a failing Frodo on the ground. She then bows and says something like “Let all of my goodness pass to him.” So gentle. I was delighted when my friend turned to me and said, “What a Ladydude.” Fucking exactly.